February 1, 2011
Today I am a little hesitant as to what I should say. All I can think about after reading that first part of my journal last night is how much I fear the seasons of spring and summer. As they come closer and closer I fear the memories that slowly creep up in me; especially when something triggers my thoughts. The simplest thing like looking at my daughter’s ballet pictures, take me back to a place I’d like to forget...I but cannot. My mind won’t let me forget. My thoughts affect my heart and make my stomach twist into knots, like the knots I tied on a rope, the same rope I used to try to hang myself with. All of this is so hard to say. It is truly difficult to look back to the memories that remind me of coming out of the psych ward-five days before Audrey’s ballet recital.
I cannot explain to you in clear words, the fear I felt checking into the psych ward and the fear of trying to function out of that unforgettable place.
I know that this post is so short compared to the other posts but I cannot handle writing my next journal entry. The next entry is from the morning I overdosed, my first suicide attempt.
I want to write about something from my past but I am so screwed up in my mind right now it's hard to look back at everything. When I look backward too much I begin to slope down into a pit of utter depression, a pit that is never easy to get out of and I end up stuck there for too long. I am already beginning to feel sad, not a silly sadness my kids express when they cannot play outside, but a sadness that I absolutely fear.
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