Here this is a great BIG FUCK YOU! A FUCK ME and a fuck everything. Fuck Bipolar, fuck me, fuck me... judge mother fuckers and let you be judged three times over. I hate all you mother fuckers who think you are better than others. So fucking superior! Fuck you ass holes who think you can look down on others after they have been fucked in ass. Yep, all you religious mother fuckers who use Jesus as your reason for making excuses, well fuck you and your religious antics too! Fuck you all. I mean fuck everyone at this point. Fuck you for joining my blog and fuck you to ALL those who don't take the time to understand those they say they are close to. If I were to die I bet there would be some ass holes that were to sit there and say how close they were to me and how they always talked to me. Don't think that will be the same for you? Well fuck you! there are always cheap shot mother fuckers who say they were there but they didn't know shit! I have been to many funerals and heard of many people who act like they were so close to the dead body and freed soul! Everyone has a time and you know what I discovered? "It's not death we humans fear, it's living through life in pain that scares us the most!"
Fuck you!!!!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I Am Physically Falling Apart and My Mind is...
March 5, 2011
I went to the psychiatrist and found out that my medications were at the doses massively over what I am supposed to be taking. “The doses you’re on are actually meant for someone who is about 400lbs. and you’re very small and nowhere near that size”, said my psychiatrist. I was shocked; no wonder why I am falling apart. I also seen my physician (Physicians Assistant) and I was sent to get a wellness blood work-up. After receiving the results I found out that my red blood counts are very low. I researched my past blood test and the results are consistent with the abnormal results. There is something extremely wrong and I cannot pin point any of these issues. It has been difficult to find a doctor that is willing to research my issues and deficiencies, I am falling apart and I am going on the second UTI in the last 6 weeks. I used to have UTIs very often months after I had my daughter. I am wondering what the hell is going on with me. Is my body triggering my Bipolar/depression or is my Bipolar/depression triggering my body malfunctioning. I am so confused. I am hitting hard emotional times and weaning down my medications are messing with not only my body but my mind, emotions and spirit. How can I expect to make it through the anniversary of my horrific past if I can’t even live through this physical battle? Is there anyone out there? Does anyone know anything that will help me? Can I actually come out of this with a healthy body and at least a stable mental state? Someone help me please!!!
I went to the psychiatrist and found out that my medications were at the doses massively over what I am supposed to be taking. “The doses you’re on are actually meant for someone who is about 400lbs. and you’re very small and nowhere near that size”, said my psychiatrist. I was shocked; no wonder why I am falling apart. I also seen my physician (Physicians Assistant) and I was sent to get a wellness blood work-up. After receiving the results I found out that my red blood counts are very low. I researched my past blood test and the results are consistent with the abnormal results. There is something extremely wrong and I cannot pin point any of these issues. It has been difficult to find a doctor that is willing to research my issues and deficiencies, I am falling apart and I am going on the second UTI in the last 6 weeks. I used to have UTIs very often months after I had my daughter. I am wondering what the hell is going on with me. Is my body triggering my Bipolar/depression or is my Bipolar/depression triggering my body malfunctioning. I am so confused. I am hitting hard emotional times and weaning down my medications are messing with not only my body but my mind, emotions and spirit. How can I expect to make it through the anniversary of my horrific past if I can’t even live through this physical battle? Is there anyone out there? Does anyone know anything that will help me? Can I actually come out of this with a healthy body and at least a stable mental state? Someone help me please!!!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thinkin of the Thoughts, I Thought When Suicide Was In My Mind
March 1, 2011
My heart feels a little heavy, trying to be positive and optimistic about life. I know there is so much I can accomplish. I am fearful of so many things but I am trying to let it go, not that it will mystically fly away, but I hope I can get through. I can see many amazing things in my life and I am trying to hold on tight. Not writing for a while has been something I now regret as I am relieving the pain I feel. How do you encourage yourself that you are an amazing person when you know what you have done and gone through? To be honest, I haven’t really been broken down except for recently, I was hit pretty good after hearing of the deadly experience of a young girl.
I was told that a girl in my parents’ church was comatose in the hospital, the girl attempted to commit suicide. A couple of days later the girl died, she succeeded at something I attempted several times, something I once longed for. I see this girl as being set free of her torment and pain. I am no Dr. Kevorkian, but knowing what it is like to want to die, to just want to relieve the pain that cuts so deep that the body becomes absolutely numb. Having so much pain and confusion built up inside that there seems to be no other way to live or thrive; the only relief is to die. Thinking of ending my life was something that at first seemed to be a fantasy, a love affair with an idea that would be planted in my mind and grow like cancer. I turned my pain over to whatever I could, I attempted to live through the thoughts and pain but there seemed to be no way out of the torture. Even the pure love of my kids was unable to strike the pain away. Torment and sure hate overwhelmed me and dropped me to the lowest I could be in my life. I was in limbo for a whole season, summer, the blistering heat was something I don’t even remember; but the pain of living vexed me.
Wanting to die, wanting to live and wondering who I was, threw me in a whirl-wind of life and death. Do you know what it is like to want to die? Do you ever remember a time that a gun looked so good? Did a rope, a pill or a razor call your name to soothe you? Did you ever feel so full of nothing that you just wanted to feel something? Are you even listening?
I have to listen to me, because from this day on I will have to relive the next few months preparing to live through the hate and death of my life. I will have to breathe and remember that the me I was… is not the me I can be. I don’t want to remember the desire I had for death…I want to continue to yearn for love, life and dreams come true.
My heart feels a little heavy, trying to be positive and optimistic about life. I know there is so much I can accomplish. I am fearful of so many things but I am trying to let it go, not that it will mystically fly away, but I hope I can get through. I can see many amazing things in my life and I am trying to hold on tight. Not writing for a while has been something I now regret as I am relieving the pain I feel. How do you encourage yourself that you are an amazing person when you know what you have done and gone through? To be honest, I haven’t really been broken down except for recently, I was hit pretty good after hearing of the deadly experience of a young girl.
I was told that a girl in my parents’ church was comatose in the hospital, the girl attempted to commit suicide. A couple of days later the girl died, she succeeded at something I attempted several times, something I once longed for. I see this girl as being set free of her torment and pain. I am no Dr. Kevorkian, but knowing what it is like to want to die, to just want to relieve the pain that cuts so deep that the body becomes absolutely numb. Having so much pain and confusion built up inside that there seems to be no other way to live or thrive; the only relief is to die. Thinking of ending my life was something that at first seemed to be a fantasy, a love affair with an idea that would be planted in my mind and grow like cancer. I turned my pain over to whatever I could, I attempted to live through the thoughts and pain but there seemed to be no way out of the torture. Even the pure love of my kids was unable to strike the pain away. Torment and sure hate overwhelmed me and dropped me to the lowest I could be in my life. I was in limbo for a whole season, summer, the blistering heat was something I don’t even remember; but the pain of living vexed me.
Wanting to die, wanting to live and wondering who I was, threw me in a whirl-wind of life and death. Do you know what it is like to want to die? Do you ever remember a time that a gun looked so good? Did a rope, a pill or a razor call your name to soothe you? Did you ever feel so full of nothing that you just wanted to feel something? Are you even listening?
I have to listen to me, because from this day on I will have to relive the next few months preparing to live through the hate and death of my life. I will have to breathe and remember that the me I was… is not the me I can be. I don’t want to remember the desire I had for death…I want to continue to yearn for love, life and dreams come true.
Peace of mind
Help me find
I’m no stranger to pain
I’ve had my share of crazy
I want peace I have so much I can gain
I have the desire to just peacefully be
I know it is truly obtainable
I know I will survive this life
I am learning to be mentally stable
I’m learning to flourish and thrive
I am not in need of my hateful thoughts, oh so unstable
I can’t see the light when my eyes are open
I can see light when my eyes are shut
That is when I dream and forget what it could have been
I can see the scars on my arms I once cut
I want peace from my insane pain
I want to relieve the feeling these scare represent
I want to look into my own eyes in the mirror and not fear
Sanity, peace, contentment
Love and capture the positive of all that is here
In the moment soaking in the positive things this moment has to offer
Peace I will obtain to my dying day
Peace I will have knowing my Nirvana is for sure
I will have a peace, I will obtain, I will live in, My peace will never fade but it will forever stay
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