My heart feels a little heavy, trying to be positive and optimistic about life. I know there is so much I can accomplish. I am fearful of so many things but I am trying to let it go, not that it will mystically fly away, but I hope I can get through. I can see many amazing things in my life and I am trying to hold on tight. Not writing for a while has been something I now regret as I am relieving the pain I feel. How do you encourage yourself that you are an amazing person when you know what you have done and gone through? To be honest, I haven’t really been broken down except for recently, I was hit pretty good after hearing of the deadly experience of a young girl.
I was told that a girl in my parents’ church was comatose in the hospital, the girl attempted to commit suicide. A couple of days later the girl died, she succeeded at something I attempted several times, something I once longed for. I see this girl as being set free of her torment and pain. I am no Dr. Kevorkian, but knowing what it is like to want to die, to just want to relieve the pain that cuts so deep that the body becomes absolutely numb. Having so much pain and confusion built up inside that there seems to be no other way to live or thrive; the only relief is to die. Thinking of ending my life was something that at first seemed to be a fantasy, a love affair with an idea that would be planted in my mind and grow like cancer. I turned my pain over to whatever I could, I attempted to live through the thoughts and pain but there seemed to be no way out of the torture. Even the pure love of my kids was unable to strike the pain away. Torment and sure hate overwhelmed me and dropped me to the lowest I could be in my life. I was in limbo for a whole season, summer, the blistering heat was something I don’t even remember; but the pain of living vexed me.
Wanting to die, wanting to live and wondering who I was, threw me in a whirl-wind of life and death. Do you know what it is like to want to die? Do you ever remember a time that a gun looked so good? Did a rope, a pill or a razor call your name to soothe you? Did you ever feel so full of nothing that you just wanted to feel something? Are you even listening?
I have to listen to me, because from this day on I will have to relive the next few months preparing to live through the hate and death of my life. I will have to breathe and remember that the me I was… is not the me I can be. I don’t want to remember the desire I had for death…I want to continue to yearn for love, life and dreams come true.
Peace of mind
Help me find
I’m no stranger to pain
I’ve had my share of crazy
I want peace I have so much I can gain
I have the desire to just peacefully be
I know it is truly obtainable
I know I will survive this life
I am learning to be mentally stable
I’m learning to flourish and thrive
I am not in need of my hateful thoughts, oh so unstable
I can’t see the light when my eyes are open
I can see light when my eyes are shut
That is when I dream and forget what it could have been
I can see the scars on my arms I once cut
I want peace from my insane pain
I want to relieve the feeling these scare represent
I want to look into my own eyes in the mirror and not fear
Sanity, peace, contentment
Love and capture the positive of all that is here
In the moment soaking in the positive things this moment has to offer
Peace I will obtain to my dying day
Peace I will have knowing my Nirvana is for sure
I will have a peace, I will obtain, I will live in, My peace will never fade but it will forever stay
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