Genes...And My Fear of Passing-On Bipolar

I recently discovered several encouraging facts that will change my life, my mind and my body. Did you know that vitamin B3 (Niacin) can intensely decrease or even relieve severe depression? I was so amazed. Other vitamins such as vitamin C, vitamin A and my absolute favorite natural anti-depressant… dark chocolate are also very important components to add to my diet. I am so encouraged to do what I needed to do homeopathically. Sure I can’t buy all organic, I would be completely broke-bankrupt, but eating four times more of raw veggies, nuts and fruits will make a major difference in my life. For now I won't stop taking my medication and I do take them religiously. But thinking of having to take medications for the rest of my life is scary, I don’t want to look back three years from now and see how broken my body is because of the medications. I want to serve my kiddos the right foods and my husband; we have so many diseases that run in our immediate families. These diseases are hereditary and I will do my best to prevent my family from acquiring one or more of them:

-Heart Disease- Heart Attacks- Heart Failure
-Diabetes
-High Blood Pressure
-Peripherle Vascular Disease
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-Dyslexia
-Bipolar Disorder


Knowing that these diseases are hereditary scares me; I never want my kids to have to suffer-in pain. Although Audrey already has a mild case of dyslexia she is absolutely brilliant, a mathematical smarty pants and extremely creative. She has this Divine connection to everything around her and she always comforts those in pain.
When I was settling into my in laws place I was still raw, my heart, my emotions and my mind. I was at an absolute low, suicide was not on my mind but cutting was. I was a mess and my kids watched me, the only way we could explain it all to the kids was to tell them that I was sick. When I was in the psych ward Noah told my mom that I was at the doctors because I bumped my head and needed to get better. I suppose that was the best explanation I could express to him. But to Audrey, she is not at that age anymore its very different for her, she knew that my pain was deep. Broken down, I was crying and she asked if I was okay and if my head was feeling okay.
When we found out that Audrey was dyslexic we explained to her that not everyone’s brains worked the same. During a breakdown Audrey watched as I fell apart, I fell apart the way an egg does when it is aggressively tapped on the top of its surface with a hammer, Audrey came over and said it was going to be okay. Rick told her to step out of the room, but I told him to let her in so I could talk to her. Audrey absorbs things so quickly; sometimes you don’t think she’s listening until later when she repeats what you say word for word. I told my sweet girl that I was sick and I had an illness called Bipolar... my brain doesn't work the same as others'. “If you see me upset, I need your help, you make me happy when I am low. Please help take care of your brother. If I cry or yell, it's not your fault, it's mommy's fault.” That little girl skipped away as if I told her to go play outside and eat an ice cream. However, when I would breakdown, Audrey would tell Noah that it was okay mommy wasn’t feeling well; she would then comfort me the best she could.

Do you know how hard it is to have to tell my kids that I am not well and that I need their help, even when I may scare them or hurt their feeling while I am so screwed up in an intense high or low!!!? I don’t want this for my kids, I don’t want to be a burden to my kids and make them feel like they have to miss their lives and experiences because I’ve lost it all in my mind...I don’t want to miss their life.
While I was in the psych ward Audrey was getting ready for her ballet recital, she needed to dress in her full costume-make up and all. She needed to take pictures and also dress for dress rehearsal. I missed it all, I cried in my cold bed; I was so intensely hurt but I couldn’t show it there because they wouldn’t let me go home if I was expressing any signs of psychotic behavior. (Yes, I would’ve been considered unstable for even crying over my sadness.). When it was Audrey’s time to get ready for her first performance I was there to get her ready, but I was absolutely nervous. I was so screwed up that I was shaking and I couldn't hold still when I was getting her ready. I felt fucked up in the mind, I felt like a failure as a mommy. Audrey’s response to my nervousness was, “It’s okay mommy, as long as you do your best it will be good, I know you will do a good job”. I don’t know why I deserve to have such an amazing daughter, but I do have her, my sweet angel. I don’t want my children to miss their lives because of this damn Bipolar. I never want to miss their lives, my marriage or my own life.

Kids who have at least one parent with Bipolar have a 30%-50% of acquiring the chemical imbalance- Manic Depressive-Bipolar

I don’t ever want to have to tell one or both of my kids,

 “Bipolar is difficult, but I know exactly what you are going through.”