I have been encourage not to be afraid, not to let fear over rule what I want to say, and I am trying to. With all my heart I am trying. I am not truly looking for sympathy or empathy in this journey of sharing me. Some people may judge the way I write or the things I say or what I’ve done but I don't give a shit. However, a part of me does care. I know I shouldn't even think that way, but my mind works in ways that I can't and will never truly understand.
Look at all of the quotes and clichés used to relate to the mind:
“The mind is a beautiful thing to waste.”
“I have so much on my mind.”
“I can’t make up my mind.”
“Just make up your mind!”
“Picture it in your mind”
“Mind, over matter.”
And my absolute favorite, “I’m losing my mind!”
You can’t really control your mind, you can’t tell your mind to leave your body alone, you can’t tell your mind to stop registering information, nor can you tell your mind to stop messing with, well your own mind. You can negatively judge someone’s outward appearances proving your ignorance and selfish life. You can observe someone’s behavior and make somewhat of a logical conclusion that they may or may not be “normal”. Yet you are being as cautious as you can not to judge negatively. Your mind can put you out into the world and insist you behave in a certain manner. Look around you’re also being judged by others. Your mind is the one thing no one will ever be able to see or understand, sure science is attempting to discover exactly everything about the brain but their success of truly understanding the mind is minimal. Think about it, you can strip everything from the outside, complete nakedness, but you still cannot see that person’s mind.
The mind doesn’t stop, especially for me, a freaking insomniac, racing thoughts with little sleep. My mind runs as if I was going to die and I needed to think of as many things as I can. When I am awake I am running around doing one thing and forgetting that I had not finished two other things I already started. Mania or depression, my mind cannot be completely controllable. When I was talking to a psychologist I asked him why people say their thinking about nothing, “How someone just think about nothing, can even for one minute, is it possible?” He said it is possible, but not for me at this point.
At a Halloween party at the kids’ school I dressed my son up as a mummy. I must admit he looked pretty good. One of the moms there asked if I got the idea from the Internet, I said no, and then she said the funniest thing. “Wow, I would like to get into your mind.” I loved that and joked about it, which no one else in my family laughed at. My mind is a bad neighborhood and gets worse in the dark.
When someone says “I’m losing my mind” I laugh, I can really say I lost my freaking mind. I had a hard time knowing that last summer I lost my mind. After I left the psych-ward I was (for the lack of a better word) fucked up. I lost my mind and did stuff I would never imagine doing in any lifetime. As I adjusted to life the beginning of August, I had intense flashbacks that stabbed my heart. I was reliving everything. I asked a few people what happened but I didn’t want to know everything. I lost my mind so much that I hurt myself and other people around me. I cut, played with a rope, swam in the water and “fixed” a toilet. The flashbacks are still coming over and over tormenting my mind. And no one wants tell me anything, they all act as if it is over; they put it all behind them. But for me their yesterday is still my today. Raw memories in my mind.
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