Last night Rick and I went out to dinner and a movie last night. We had an amazing time. I thought why not eat something I have always loved (even though I have been eating 80% raw food in the last four days) I ordered bone-less hot wings. Yum… my absolute favorite, however, my body revolted last night, my deep fried-chicken soaked in sodium sauce turned on me. I was up last night with no sleep, I didn’t want to take my Seroquel, which knocks me out, my stomach already hurt and I didn’t want to put anything else in. I need to stay on a good diet and love it. At this point I am doing everything I can to change my health which in turn will change the health of my mind.
Rick and I went to the farmers market this morning; with twenty bucks we bought local honey, organic grain bread, 1 leek, a bundle of parsley, green onions, 5 red grapefruits, 4 avocados, a flat of winter berries and we still had some buck left over to donate to an animal adoption organization. I was feeling good, we decided to head over to BJ’s Health Food store. I was amped; I was going to find several different all natural ingredients that will help me slowly wean off of medication so I can rely on natural-health. Then I was hit hard by a sad truth of facts.
My medications clash with several and I mean several natural remedies and amazing herbs and vitamins. Here I am searching for something that will sustain my life and sanity, I’m searching for something that will build me up and not break me down. Damn it….!
Before all of this I would buy supplements and vitamins take them for a while then stop; now that I am in desperate need of taking in these vitamins and minerals I can’t. I wonder if these damn medicinal industries purposefully make it impossible to leave the drugs for natural healing, maybe not. You have no idea how crushed I am, I cried on the way home and I am crying now.
I am so sick of these meds. Here are the side effects I experience from Bupropion XL (generic for Wellbutron): dizziness, constipation, flushing, dry mouth, nervousness, restlessness, continuous popping joints, ringing in the ears, trouble sleeping (insomnia) and weight changes. That’s just one drug that helps regulate my chemical imbalance in my brain but it is causing so much other problems to my body. How in the hell can I keep my mind healthy while my body is wasting away. I am so sick of this, I want my hair to grow, I want my skin to stop breaking out, and I want to live… I just want to live!
I have tried to die so many times, Suicide was my love for several months and my several attempts were unsuccessful. To me this means I am suppose to live for some amazing reasons, but how can I live with drugs always ruling my life. I believe some medications can help and have helped me so far.
I am on four…four different medications. When I wake up I pop two Wilburton, 1 Lamictal and 1 Gabapentin; at 11:05 I take another Gabapentin; at 2:45 I take 1 Wellbutron, 1 Lamictal and 1 Gabapentin; and at night before bed I take 1 Gababpentin and 1 Seroquel. So what, if I already mentioned all the drugs I take and their side effects!!! I talk about it because I am so vexed by the fact that I HAVE TO depend on them to keep me sane. I am vexed that these drugs cannot be dropped easily, nope; I have to be weaned off of them SLOWLY. I have to deal with the adjustments of medication change which it took me three months per each drug to actually adjust to when I started them. One medication requires you to start at a low dose for four weeks because it is possible for you to develop a life threatening rash, literally, you can die from it.
I know that maybe you know what it’s like to feel this way, to hate the medications that your life relies on. I fear coming off of my meds because I never want to experience the horror I went through in madness, nor do I ever want to put my family through hell again.
So for now I am a pill-popping-Bipolar person with the doubt of the light at the end of the tunnel but I have the hope of living. Can I say it? Can I say what I never would have said three months ago? I want to live!
Here I sit balling because I am so conflicted, vexed and confused… I hate being Bipolar…
*My phone is vibrating; the alarm just went off reminding me to take my next dose…
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